Flaws & Symptoms

1. A mind that is often too cunning for my own good. I can justify any bad decisions I make to myself, and usually can persuade others to not only see it from that perspective, but to embrace these bad decisions as good ones. Due to this, I often confuse myself into a state of denial, which makes bad habits hard to break.
2. Incredibly egotistical and proud yet filled without enough self doubt and loathing to make for a nauseating ride through flip-flop days of radiant light and kind actions or thick black smoke and a bitter tongue. 
3. Judgemental and insecure. Sometimes judgemental because I am insecure. Sometimes insecure because I am so judemental. Through my eyes, everything - every person and moment, are compared to another of the highest standard I'd encountered before the time. I find little pleasure out of anything which is second rate. I also am seldom happy with my own person for these reasons.
4. Materialistic. I feel entitled and as though there is a gaping hole I need to fill for all the years of growing up in a household funded only by a single mother working for minimum wage. I am hoping this is just a phase. Though at present I still try and cure it by spending any money I can get my hands on. It leaves me feeling pretty rubbish as a person and I'm quite sure my monthly donation to animal welfare organisations isn't enough to justify the greed.
5. Obsessive and nostalgic. Things that have caused me great levels of pain in the past are often reflected upon as important and warm, only because they are familiar. I can't hold a grudge for the life of me and in some cases I think it would be a helpful trait in learning from past mistakes. This is to do with people, habits and attitudes. 
6. Unable to empathise. This is a strange one - I could lose my shit at the drop of a hat over any animal or natural environment in suffering or even in jeopardy of suffering. I become over analytical of the way human's speak and their body language when telling me of a remarkable hurt or joy they are experiencing. I am always suspicious. It is entirely illogical, but because of this, a big part of me always believes that these people are only saying anything 'emotional' to fill conversation; that they are not actually feeling anything or perhaps that they are just looking for a certain reaction from me. 9/10 times, I will respond in a way that makes me feel like a very good actor, but a very rubbish person. I hope too, that this is a phase bought on by my lengthy years of developing a wall between my brain and my own feelings. 
7. Not following through with things. Reaching for a conclusion to anything before even attempting the journey. I am good at beginnings and I am good at endings - neither are difficult and mostly I can skip between new ones on my own. Journeys involve team work, building relationships, trust, becoming vulnerable, and slow hours. Beginnings and endings are exhilarating, unknown and spontaneous. 
8. Half finishing books and then telling people that I have read that book.
9. Finishing everything on my plate no matter how big that god damn plate is. 
10. Taking my partner for granted, though I am sure it is almost impossible to appreciate the amount of wonderful-ness he offers me.