In Between

All things came unstuck after days, weeks, months, of picking at the ropes.. thread by thread, looking the other way, and now - unstuck.
That ever-vibrating urgency at my core has become aggravated with poverty: there is freedom, but there is nothing to sink it's teeth into, only hours upon each other to ponder that there is very well as many positive potential places to end up as there is bad. 

In between means uncertainty.
All at once and yet in drawn out time, this spirit will vacillate between an intense need to escape on it's own, with nothing but a mind, seeking beauty and non superficial joy, no strings, no responsibility - and then, as if that mere thought has siphoned every spark of energy, will retreat to the comfortable wallow of woe is me, I am here, am I comfortable?, I will be.. please be gentle on yourself, and let's see this one through. Patience, patience, patience..

A day begins with cold feet, guilt, and the earthy steam of store brought coffee.
Home is on the Eastern side of the river. I am not.
2 weeks and 2 days - I have been cradled by another's generosity (once again). 

I am restless, more than anything, and so enthusiastically searching for the signals that 'this is next!': an arrow marking 'you are here' on a map, as it were..
In between lives and walls, an uncentered perspective that is growing, controlling, refining, unsettling and necessary (perhaps?)


1. You are a bad person - not just a not-an-above-average-good-person, but a bad person. 

2. You are a good mother. Maybe this is all that matters for now? 

3. There are people who love you
4. There are people who do not want to have sex with you
5. There are people who do want to have sex with you
6. Please don't become an alcoholic
7. Please stop trying to kill yourself in clumsy car collisions (or, try harder)

8. Thank you for doing so well despite.. this thing, that thing, everything 

9. There is everything to be learned from stillness and mindfulness 

There is no depression of spirit, no sadness - only a cloudy-eyed, half-venture into any of these thoughts. 

One only need notice that they are present and that is enough to see: all is a little disrupted and non progressive at present, and this feels like a mountainous issue.
And how long do these notes last for? When will they be rationalised and a place found on the shelf for them? Surely not forever, for the tide rolls over quickly, quietly.. it always does.
This is a stage of in between, where one can never be sure of which morning in which month and which year they will find themselves waking with a sense of calm on every foreseeable horizon.

Will I continue to wake up with cold feet, guilt, and store brought coffee, on the North side of the river, in a bed that isn't my own?

Or will I buy a heater, plug it in, in the corner of my own room?
Wake warm and alert, mindfully - slowly, fold the sheets up, readjust the pillows, and slip into something proper for the day..
Brush the sleep from my hair, marvel at the morning light..
Beam at the possibilities of the day, have nothing to be guilty for (for I am not a bad person, I have grown!)..
In no rush, find myself in the kitchen, boiling water, enjoying the sound, the steam, the process..
Sipping tea while piglet wakes and is affectionate for the few minutes of lingering sleepiness..
Make plans for the day, no matter how small they may be, and find my own way somewhere that is far away from anything in between..

Am I comfortable?, I will be.. please be gentle on yourself, and let's see this one through. Patience, patience, patience..

Perhaps what is given to be moulded here and now is all it should be.
Points 3 and 9 are important, and on a rough day, you always have 5.
It is time to start stitching together the unstuck.